Tamales and Tradition: Tani's Christmas Post

Hey, y'all! It's Christmas — a time of tradition, hope, and most important, family. After all, we're celebrating how God joined our human family so that we could all have the hope of being together in Heaven! So, I'm going to make this post about family! Recently, I took to Facebook to ask about various Christmas traditions. Here are some of your answers:

Of the Sentiment and Simplicity of Christmas

Coptic Orthodox Nativity Ikon, courtesy of St. Joseph School for Boys Bookstore

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. —Luke 2:12-14

Every year, sometime after Dad throws the one defective strand of icicle lights into the rubbish bin but before Uncle Jim locks himself in the bathroom in an eggnog-induced stupor, we are inevitably presented with the ambiguous trope known as "the true meaning of Christmas".

The true meaning of Christmas™ is always presented, and occasionally asked, with some sort of deep or emotive tone, as if we do not know the answer already. This, of course, is because Christmas has far deeper societal implications than merely going through the motions of Advent devotions and attending Mass. As I said last year, the trappings of the season make Jesus unavoidable, but we must add that those same trappings serve to confuse the event itself. A Christmas of glamour, not of God, is no Christmas at all.

How To Tell If You Are In An Evelyn Waugh Novel

(With further apologies to The Toast, whose series started it all.)

Waugh is not amused.

Your name is Pennyfeather.

You appear to be floating through life. Hilarious misfortune befalls you and those around you.

A small boy is accidentally shot in the foot by the starting gun at a race. He dies.

You befriend a man with a wooden leg who is not who he says he is.

Your beloved (who is much older and wealthier than you) has gotten you mixed up in the South American flesh trade. You are sent to prison, which is quite an agreeable experience. Your time in solitude there has you feeling the the best you've felt in years.

Your name is Seal.

While visiting Africa to advise an Oxford-educated ruler, you end up running his country, falling madly in love, intriguing, having a court official's throat cut, and going to a cannibal banquet. Also, your pillow talk to your girlfriend about "wanting to eat her up" later turns out to be a poor choice of words.

CAPTION THIS: When Peter Met Andrew

"It's okay, Frank. I won't let anyone know you drank all of the communion wine. We'll just blame Kirill."
(Full story here. Picture c/o: Catholic News Service)

We're back! It's only been... two months, really? Well, fine. Thank you to everyone who participated in our last caption contest. The winner (finally) is...

Love Over Hate, Mercy Over Revenge

Nothing brings out self-righteous anger quite like people killing each other, amiright? A few months ago, when white police officer Darren Wilson shot and killed black teenager Michael Brown, we all exploded with condemnation for whichever party we thought was guilty, and praise for the person we decided was innocent. The city of Ferguson, Missouri, where this shooting took place, flooded with protestors, then looters. Everyone, from the lowly bloggers up to the President himself, used this horrible situation as a platform to decry racism in modern America. Finally, after a few weeks, everything seemed to calm down, until a grand jury decided to not indict Officer Wilson, and now, the fires of our fury have rekindled. The protestors again descended on Ferguson, and some protests quickly turned violent, resulting in multiple businesses being looted and even burned. In the streets and on the Internet, we have again divided ourselves into factions, some of us calling Michael Brown a martyr and hero and Officer Wilson a thug, and some of us proclaiming the opposite. We spout off vicious rhetoric and beg for whatever "justice" we deem most just. We're all angry — dangerously angry — and all very quick to condemn whoever we think is the "bad guy" in this scenario. 

Christians, wrath like this isn't the answer. Mercy is. 

SAINTATHON 2014: Day 6 - Saint Isidore of Seville

Has Internet access: «bored, bored, bored...»

In our Internet age, so much of what we do on a daily basis involves Web access, from learning to leisure to social activity. It's fitting that the Internet have a patron Saint — perhaps you've seen him before. The bookish fellow in the Unpleasant Accents Facebook avatar, as well as in our sidebar, is also the patron of this blog: Saint Isidore.

SAINTATHON 2014: Day 5 - Saint Joan of Arc

Praised Be Jesus!

I hope this post finds everyone well and that God is blessing you through the intercession of all His holy ones this week! A few weeks ago, Pope Francis got some heat after a homily he gave after the preliminary meeting for the Synod on the Family, about how God is a God of "surprises", and he gave some examples of how God has surprised His people throughout history. Today, we turn to focus on one of my favorite Saints, Saint Joan of Arc (also the favorite Saint of my Patron Saint, Thérèse of Lisieux), or as I like to call her, "The Saint who was God's surprise."

SAINTATHON 2014: Day 4 - Saint Quiteria

Day Four of the Saintathon is upon us, and to your great shock, I've been drinking it away. Don't you look at me like that — all of these Saints probably drank more in a day than I did in my lifetime, 'cause you know most of them were born in a time when alcohol was more sanitary than drinking water. Today, I'm going to tell you about one of the most badass Saints in history: Saint Quiteria, a Virgin Martyr.

SAINTATHON 2014: Day 3 - Saint Philip Neri

Hey, guys! It’s day three of our slog through the Saints, and you've already heard about some compelling characters! But today, I’m going to introduce y’all to my patron, a man with such awesome titles as "prophet of joy" and "second Apostle of Rome." So, who is this guy?

SAINTATHON 2014: Day 1 - Saint Josephine Bakhita

Welcome, one and all, to Unpleasant Accents' first annual Saintathon! To commemorate our anniversary, which falls on All Saints Day, our team is posting about their favourite Saints throughout the week. We begin with Saint Josephine Bakhita:

Saint Josephine Bakhita is not exactly a household name when it comes to Catholic Saints, and that's a shame. Bakhita's story is one of courage, forgiveness and renewal, and it deserves to be told.

A Glance at Death...

Praised Be Jesus!

I hope everyone is enjoying all the fall festivities and that this post finds everyone well! The Halloween season is upon us, and so is the season of many huffy Christian posts about Halloween — but luckily, this will not be one of them! As we approach this time of year, there is a torrent of content which seeks to either destroy the practice of celebrating Halloween or to discourage those who wish to revitalize its Christian roots. But as I see it, the way the modern celebration of Halloween flows into the great feast of All Saints Day can give us greater insight into the mystery of Christ.

Lean Stupid: msnbc Tackles Catholicism and Science, Fails Miserably

"Oh, are we seriously having this discussion again? Fine. ANDREA! HOLD MY CALLS!"

So, there's this guy, right? His name is Daniel Berger, and he fancies himself a "Political Junkie/Policy Wonk" and is msnbc's Community Editor. He's kind of a big deal.

He also just so happened to have the most popular article on msnbc.com for much of Tuesday, featuring this completely-not-sensationalistic-and-totally-journalistic headline:

Pictured: Subtlety.

The article in question covers Pope Francis' recent comments supporting the theories of evolution and the Big Bang, asserting that he is taking Church teaching in a new direction and contradicting the theology of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. As a really important, obviously qualified journalist™, surely Dan's got his facts right? Right?

Brittany Maynard and the Myth of Dignified Suicide

Pictured: courage, dignity, and death that didn't serve a politically correct agenda

If you're alive and have spent any time on the Internet in the past few weeks, chances are you've heard the heartbreaking story of Brittany Maynard, the 29-year-old with terminal brain cancer who has decided to kill herself rather than suffer the effects of the disease. Like most of you, I read her story and was saddened by her plight, but I got stuck on one part of her interview:

“There is not a cell in my body that is suicidal or that wants to die,” Maynard told People.com. “I want to live. I wish there was a cure for my disease but there’s not. … Being able to choose to go with dignity is less terrifying.”

And suddenly, I found her story more exasperating than empathy-inducing. What, exactly, is dignified about giving up?

How To Tell If You Are In A Walker Percy Novel

(With apologies to The Toast, whose series started it all.)

Thought Experiment: Walker Percy eyes you over a glass of bourbon. Do you: 
A. consider the aesthetic nature of bourbon and the superiority of drinking it straight?
B. wonder if bourbon can do for you what cake did for Proust?
C. raise a glass of your own?

A Triumph All Her Own!

Praised Be Jesus, everyone!

I'm back: I had taken a long hiatus for a good while now trying to balance, work, parish life and a social life, and I hope now I'll be able to make more time to write. This week, we entered the month of October, which is the Month of Our Lady of the Rosary. Just yesterday, we commemorated the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima, signalling the end of the public apparitions of Our Lady there.

Don Juan of Austria, Prince of Memes

October 7, 1571

The Battle of Lepanto

That's a Game of Thrones reference. Heaven help me...

Juan was a Spanish Hapsburg, born a bastard much like his mopey counterpart in Game of Thrones, Jon Snow (of House Stark). 

Getting to the Heart of Christ's Perfect Love

+

JMJ

+

Fun fact! The Holy Shroud of Turin (the burial cloth in which Jesus’ body was allegedly wrapped) and all of the approved Eucharistic miracles (namely in which the Host observably became human heart tissue) have been tested, and the blood is always type AB. Based on the information at hand, it is logical to say that Jesus Christ’s blood type is AB.

Recently, I was thinking about this while sitting in front of Jesus in the Tabernacle with a gigantic, golden statue of Him crucified above. I was looking at the image of Him pouring out His Blood for the sins of many, and I prayed to Him in the Blessed Sacrament, “I have to admit… You look like You would’ve had type O blood. You look like the universal donor.” However, I could feel it in my soul that it’s no accident that Jesus Christ had type AB blood. God’s designs are deep, profound, perfect, beautiful; this would be no different. 

So, I thought and prayed about it — what I know about God, what I know about blood donation — and I even did some research. Here, I humbly (and excitedly) present my theory:

CAPTION THIS: When Bishops Met Bank

Bishop #1: "So, when is Francis supposed to pass by again?"
Bishop #2: "Dude, for the last time. I don't know. I'm just here to use the ATM, and you're blocking it."
(Full story here. Picture c/o: Vatican Radio English)

It's officially autumn here in the States, and what better way to celebrate than with a brand-new caption contest?! ("How about going pumpkin-picking?") I didn't ask you, disembodied voice.

Anyhoodles, the winner of our last caption contest is...

Drunken Book Club Presents: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore

Welcome to another episode of Drunken Book Club!

I’m your host, Anna, Queen of the Ox People and Head of the Dragonslayers Northern Guild. This episode features:

An Open Letter to PBS

Dear PBS:

You recently showed a special on your channel called After Tiller. It was a delightful view into the lives of late-term abortionists, people who perform abortion procedures on viable fetuses. Many bloggers and Internet personalities weighed in on the various moral implications of late-term abortion, mostly focused on whether it's really good to be able to kill persons who could otherwise live on their own. But you managed to dodge that argument spectacularly, by focusing on the abortion of disabled fetuses, framed as merciful and compassionate. You wouldn't want those fetuses to live painful, possible lesser lives compared to their able-bodied counterparts, would you?

Oh, no! It's a human who isn't perfect! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Honour, Virtue, and Not-Unpleasant Accents

It's (still) the summertime, and from my lofty perch top atop the Honorary Chair of Leisure as Culture, I can't think of a better time to review some recent — and not-so-recent — works of literature and television concerning Catholics living in times of tempestuous social change!

It also happens that this post coincides with the centenary of WWI, which is the setting for Ford Madox Ford's Parade's End trilogy. This great tragedy that marked the beginning of the 20th century could not be stopped, despite attempts to secure peace by the reigning Pope and the devout Catholic Emperor of Austria. 

Benedict XV

Blessed Charles/Karl I 

No Laughing Matter

(Picture c/o: The Laugh Factory, via Twitter)

Much has been said about the tragic death of actor, comedian and occasional Bigfoot sighting Robin Williams. Public reaction has been incredibly strong, with people of every generation expressing sorrow, almost as if a beloved family member had died. The circumstances of his passing have ignited yet another National Conversation™, this time about clinical depression and suicide.

Humble Feminism: Why I Veil in Mass

Time for a totally not rad-trad moment with Tani! Please put away your pitchforks and your Spirit & Song hymnals; we won't be needing them today. Because today, we're going to be talking about...

Spanish Seville Mantilla in black and silver, by Veils by Lily

Veiling in Mass! 

I say those words, and I can immediately see what's going on in your heads: Visions of old, mumbling grandmothers alternate with specters of severe nuns, as the words "patriarchy" and "sexist" and "woman-shaming" float in terrifying Comic Sans above. Veiling in Mass, Tani, you say? Didn't Vatican II save us from that idea, that women were shameful and needed covering up? Aren't you supposed to be a "feminist"?

Well, first of all, the Church has never held to that ideology, and secondly, I'm going to present to you today three reasons why I veil, and why I think that women (especially feminists!) should veil in Mass. For the sake of clarity, I shall use the very general idea of feminism, which is that women, though different from men, are endowed with the same dignity and ability to attain Heaven. There shall be no Femen-esque "feminism" here, thank you very much.

CAPTION THIS: When Francis Met Food

"Psst! Should I tell the Holy Father not to place his elbows on the table?"
"Giorgio, the man is the shepherd of over 1.2 billion souls. I think we can cut him some slack."
(Full story here. Picture c/o: AP Photo/L'Osservatore Romano)

Happy August, everyone! We're officially entering the dog days of summer (for those of you reading this in the Northern Hemisphere which, let's be honest, is almost all of you), and what better way to pass the time than to enter yet another caption contest?! I mean, besides barbecuing and going to the beach. Whatever. The cool kids always leave me out of these things...

Where were we? Oh, yes. The winner of our last caption contest is...

Living Faith: A Special Report from the Steubenville West Youth Conference

"The Catholic Church is dying. All her ancient rules and outdated traditions drive the young away. It's a faith of old, out-of-touch people who aren't enlightened like modern youth."

Chances are, we've all heard these words, or words very like them. It's become popular in the Culture of Death today to see religion, especially a religion as ancient and venerable as Roman Catholicism, as disconnected from the young and therefore disconnected from the future. The faith is dying, on its last legs, the culture says with glee, and in another generation, it will be gone entirely.

Or will it?

This past weekend, I had an amazing opportunity to attend a Steubenville Conference with my youth group in my hometown of Tucson, Arizona. The conference is one of about twenty put on across North America by the Franciscan University of Steubenville, and they serve some 50,000 high-school age teens every summer. At the behest of our beloved Editor-in-Chief [And don't you forget it! —Ed.] Damian, I decided to write about the experience. I had a notebook, a pen, and a sparkly hat to draw people in, and I interviewed five people about their faith and their experiences at the conference. In addition, I will also attempt to put down my own feelings about the conference.

The noise is deafening as the crowd files in and finds their seats. People wave flags, shout cheer routines, and even blow vuvuzelas between sessions!

CAPTION THIS: When Priest Met Punk

"My son, I know they say, 'The higher the hair, the closer to God,' but have you considered joining one of the minor orders instead?" (Picture c/o: Orthodox Christian Network) 

Salutations, Unpleasant Accents denizens! Our latest contest is up a bit more quickly that usual, because we just couldn't resist posting this picture as soon as we saw it. But first, business. The winner of our last caption contest is...

How Sickness and the Spirit Taught Me Surrender

Being sick is no fun. Being sick all the time is even less fun (that's negative numbers of fun, for all you non-math majors out there!). But that's my life, and that's been my life for four years. I have a rare disorder called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, type 3 hypermobility, which pretty much means that my collagen, which makes up roughly 80 percent of the body's structures, is faulty and fragile. It's not at all pleasant — have you ever sprained your ankle? Imagine that kind of pain, but spread through every part of your body. Even my ribs manage to dislocate sometimes!

Me (in the center with the bad dye job), a month after my diagnosis, at the 2011 Steubenville West Youth Conference

CAPTION THIS: When Pope Met Peek

The Holy Father still hadn't quite figured out the mechanics of hide-and-seek.
(Full story here. Picture c/o: Vatican Radio English)

Happy summer, dear readers! Thanks to all of you who participated in our last caption contest. In the spirit of fraternity and ecumenism, I shan't mock the losers (out loud), but I will heap praise upon the winner, who is...

Love Divine! All Loves Excelling...

"We all sat in a circle right in the middle of the cross, where the two boards would have met, where the heart of Jesus would have been." —From The Fault in our Stars, by John Green

In Which I Clear Up Misconceptions About My Large (but Loving!) Catholic Family

Hello, denizens of the Internet world! I'm Tani, I'm a cradle Catholic, and I'm 18 fabulous years old. I'm new here, and like every great story where there's a new kid butting into an old group, I'm going to desperately try to fit in before eventually realizing that I was perfect the way I was the entire time! *cue end music by Beyoncé*

Anyway, I was asked to write a bit about life in a big family. I am the third of twelve children (eleven on Earth, and one waiting to meet us in Heaven), a fact which makes some people choke, turn purple, and then ask my family absurd questions like, "Don't you know what causes that?" and, "Aren't you tired?" and, "Are you Mormon?" So, I thought I'd address some misconceptions about my type of family and tell you what it's really like growing up in the noisy, busy, and sometimes messy world of the Federoff house.

Big Catholic families: Now with 90 percent less shapeless denim!

Drunken Book Club Presents: Save Send Delete, by Danusha V. Goshka

Welcome to the first episode of Drunken Book Club!

Featuring:

The RECongress Urban Fusion Mass: A Tragicomedy of Errors (and Liturgical Dance)

Many of you have likely not been acquainted with/assaulted by the annual Los Angeles Religious Education Congress (or RECongress, pronounced "Wreck Congress" or like a cat yowling when she's in heat). The event is notorious for its particularly, um, innovative liturgies, but this year's latest experiment in the awful was really, really impressive in the scope of its utter suckage. In today's post, we will present a play-by-play of what has been dubbed the "Urban Fusion Mass", using GIFs by our very own Thomas "Tomnibus" Schumann, punctuated with commentary and superfluous hashtags by him and Yours Truly. Come, join us on a magical journey of anachronistic music and cultural relevance™! 

Walker Percy, True Detective

Welcome, The American Conservative readers! If you like what you see here, kindly give our Facebook page a "like" and follow us on Twitter!

Walker Percy enthusiasts have wondered when one of his novels would find its way to Hollywood. I am convinced the famed Southern Catholic author has already made his mark — but not in the way one might expect. The HBO series True Detective is an explicit and crude show at times that nonetheless is how I picture Walker Percy crime noir.

It's a man within a man... Know what that reminds me of?

CAPTION THIS: When Pope Met Patriarch

Bartholomew: "Your Holiness, you have a spot on your cassock!"
Francis: "Why thank you, Your All Holiness. Do you happen to have any hyssop with which you can purge me?"
(Full coverage here and here. Picture c/o: Ecumenical Patriarchate)

Thank you to everyone who submitted to our last caption contest! As always, we appreciate all of your efforts and what-not, but only one of you can win, to the eternal shame of the rest of you. AND THE GRAND PRIZE (of nothing) GOES TO...

That All May Be Saved!

Praised Be Jesus!

I hope all of you are well and that you are all enjoying this joyous Easter season. I'm back!!! After a little hiatus, I'm back! And it's my favorite month of the year, May, the Month of Our Blessed Lady! There's something about May which brings me right back to my time in Catholic elementary and high school. May was always filled with May Mary Altars, and May crownings, and processions, These outward signs of devotion have greatly shaped my devotional life in faith. We also celebrate the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima during this month, a feast that has special meaning for me and my life.

CAPTION THIS: When Pope Met Prance

"'Become the first Latin American Pope,' they said... 'You can teach the young people the Argentine tango,' they said..." (Picture c/o: AP)

Thank you all for contributing to our last caption contest! We had some brilliant submissions, but there can be only one...

Baptism By Fire: The Unwilling Godparent's Dilemma

But he has to, Don! He's not Catholic!

Recently, a good friend of mine contacted me because he is facing a particularly awkward family situation. My friend was born into a Catholic family, but he is not religious himself. His brother asked him to be the godfather to his newborn niece, and he is incredibly uncomfortable being placed into such a situation. The first half of this post is our exchange on the matter, with only minor edits for clarity. For the sake of confidence, I have changed my friend's name to Tim and his niece's to Lily. Tim's words are in italics:

Pro-Life and Feminist: Protecting Both Mother and Child

Welcome, New Wave Feminists readers! If you like what you see here, kindly give our Facebook page a "like" and follow us on Twitter!

New Wave Feminists representin' at the 2013 March for Life

The pro-life movement is frequently lambasted by its critics as "anti-woman". Anti-abortion activists, the argument goes, are nothing more than sexist religious zealots, who wish to rob women of their bodily autonomy and have no business dictating women's medical choices, because they will never get pregnant, and they don't have wombs. Well, except for the ones who do.

A Call for Unity This Holy Pascha

"We really can't be photographed together like this, Your Holiness. That horrid American blog will make a caption contest about us!"

And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen... —Luke 24:5-6

Moments of Grace and Negative Nancies

Praised Be Jesus, everyone!

It is upon us! We are in Holy Week! And the dawn of the Solemnities of Solemnities, the great Feast of Resurrection, is upon us! As we plunge into this great week of the mystery of our salvation, may we all seek a deeper entrance into the Passion of Christ.

Now that I have all you good Catholics' attention, let's talk about Nancy Pelosi. To be honest, this article has nothing to do with Nancy Pelosi's political positions, nor where she stands in opposition to Catholic teaching. Earlier this month, it made news that Barack Obama had given a rosary blessed by Pope Francis to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. The article caused a little bit of an uproar, and some were outraged and considered this an act of sacrilege — a slap in the face to the faithful. I would like to offer another look at the situation.

CAPTION THIS: When His Holiness Met Her Majesty

Elizabeth: "...and I thought this Chardonnay would be just lovely during one of your services."
Francis: "Oh, Liz. Our Lord only drank red wine, but I do appreciate that you Anglicans were thinking of the Real Presence when planning my presents!"
(Full story here. Picture c/o: Vatican Radio English)

We were most amused by your entries in our last caption contest. Our subjects presented many offerings, and although they were all quite adequate, only one took home the royal prize:

The Theology of Cosplay

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh. —Romans 13:14

CAPTION THIS: When Pope Met Prez

Obama: "Your Holiness, uh, I think that when all's said and done, uhhh, you'll see things my way. It's the right thing to do."
Francis: "I intend no disrespect, Mr. President, but to qualify for Sainthood, you have to be Catholic — and dead!"
(Full story here. Picture c/o: Vatican Radio English)

Thanks to everyone who contributed to our last caption contest! This one was really difficult to judge (stop being so talented, dammit — just stop it), but in the end, we had to pick a winner...

Quit Pretending You're Better Than Fred Phelps

I can totally feel God's love, you guys.

As all of you know by now, Fred Phelps is dead. He was most famously known for his and his family's protests at funerals — often but not always of U.S. soldiers — because, according to them, virtually every bad thing ever (and I mean everything, even tornadoes) was the direct result of America's tolerance of homosexuality. I say tolerance, not acceptance, because Phelps argued that sodomy should not only be illegal — it should be a capital offence. The Church was also a favourite target of the Phelps clan, who regularly picketed Catholic churches and other houses of worship; they even dedicated an entire Web site to attacking her, which I will not link here.

Predictably, many responses to his death welcomed it, with some reactions outright gleeful. The argument goes that since Phelps spent his life disrespecting the dead with hateful, vulgar protests, his death should be met in kind. Because... tolerance?

I'll cut to the chase: This post is not about Fred Phelps, despite its title. It's about you.

CAPTION THIS: When il Papa Met il Bambino

"Shhh... Don't cry, little one. I didn't outlaw the Traditional Latin Mass. Didn't your mother ever tell you Rorate Cæli is bad for you?" (Full story here. Picture c/o: L'Osservatore Romano/Reuters)

Thank you to everyone who participated in our last caption contest! We finally finished eating the chocolate Pope evaluating the entries, and the winner is...

Sue, who reminds us of the true meaning of Easter:

"Ehhhh, it's OK. But it's no Cadbury Creme Egg."

 An honourable mention is also awarded to Rachel Chamberlain, who kept her focus on Lent:

"Man, you get the feeling that they really want me to have a daily reminder that to dust I shall return."

Brava, ladies! Gentlemen, don't be such crybabies over your loss. You fought the good fight, and you can take up arms again by leaving your captions in the comments below!